Text Offender (digigasm) wrote,
Text Offender

I just got done watching Charlies Angels: Full Throttle

What. The. Fuck. Was. That. Supposed. To. Be?

I wasn't expecting much but, hayzoos...

For those that haven't seen it, I'll save you the money and recreate the entire experience right here.

First, let's take the budget of every porn movie ever made and put the cash on the table.

Here, take this armload of money and hire the sexiest actors we can find. Not the best...just the sexiest. If there happen to be some "good" actors hanging around L.A. while we're filming maybe we can get the sexy actors to talk them into coming on board. Check. Oh, hey! There's Crispin Glover walking back to the dressing room from filming Willard. Get him. He owes me a favor. And that fucker's not getting any lines.

Mkay, now we need the most expensive cars and motorcycles. Grab this armload of money and get 'em. Check.

Money for pyrotechnics. Check.

Money for kung-fu, wire fighting, and dance choreographers. Check.

Money for wardrobe. Check.

Now take the rest of the money and use it to promote the hell out of it. Check.

Shit, we're out of money. Well...bring Cingular, Yamaha, and anybody else on board that wants to sell something. Tell them that if they give us some more money we'll let them use some screen time for advertising.

Ok...now we have a little bit more money...let's hire some SFX people. We don't need to go crazy coming up with our own effects...we can just redo EVERYTHING that's already been done. "Boss, Budget SFX Co. Ltd. International is on the phone!" Good news. Can you do the thing where you speed up and slow down the action in the middle of a fight scene? Can you do bullets flying out of a gun in slow-mo? How about that Matrix spinning camera thing? Great!! How much? Shit, that's the rest of our money.

Well...since we took the porn budgets we might just as well use some of the same plot twists. Oh, and scratch screenplay and editing off the list. We don't fucking need them.

What do you mean we need a soundtrack? We don't have any money left. Here's what we'll do: You, you, and you each go listen to a different radio station when they're playing the top 100 whatever of all time. Record song numbers 32, 58, and 12. Then bring me what you got. Soundtrack...check.

Now what to do for a script? I hear the guy that wrote all of Arnold's one-liners is doing charity work now. Great. Script, check.

Alright, let's see what we got.


Jesus. This sucks. I have an idea. Let's do something really different and run a gag reel during the credits. That way people will see how much fun we had making the movie and they'll forgive us. It'll be a hit. What do you mean we've only got a ten second gag reel? Didn't you fucking people have fun making this movie? I think we can still make the gag reel thing work. Have Cameron, Lucy, and Drew wash my car and film it with my camcorder. We'll intersperse those scenes with the ten second gag reel. Beautiful. That's a wrap.

And that's my nice review. It was like a bad porn without the nudity and sex with a dash of boring , recycled SFX. Honestly it was a complete waste of time. Except for Lucy Liu. I'm smitten. And Demi, looking good, girl. Kudos to your surgeon. Actually, Demi gave the best performance. Why she bothered, I don't know but she was pretty bad-ass.

Plus I got to see my man, Crispin, on screen again.

But really I don't think I can even bring myself to rip the audio track for samples off this one. Yikes and wow.

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