The feeling I have is closer to acceptance. I accept the choices I've made and I accept the person that I am. And I except the people that don't respect that.
Aspiring to happiness brings the opposite. I now have a much humbler, and selfless goal.
I was afraid of dying alone. I was afraid of dying a nobody with nothing. But, most of all, I was afraid of leaving the world a worse place than I found it.
I now realize that most everybody dies alone in the same way that most everybody is born alone. I should be no more afraid of death than I was of being born. It's just a stage.
I also realize that it is nearly impossible to die a nobody. Nobody is a nobody. By simply driving to work or just walking down the street, I am setting things in motion. Things that I'll never take credit for or take shame in. Things that I'll never even know about. But I affect just the same.
And these realizations are LIBERATING. I can now be content to be me. Even if being me doesn't get me to the top. I don't even want to get to the top anymore because in order for there to be a top there has to be a bottom--and everything in between. There can only be one top. And the competition is so fierce that getting there is more pain than it's worth. No. I'm much more content to aspire to medium.
I may never be the BEST dad or the BEST musician but if I take joy in these things and relish the challenges maybe some of that will rub off on the people I encounter. Maybe I won't be a famous musician..or even a good one...but if I keep doing it because I love it, maybe my children will be. Or my neighbor. Or the person in the audience at the karaoke bar.
I don't remember who said it nor do I remember the exact quote but it goes something like this: The best work is done by those who don't care who gets the credit.
I feel like a new man. I feel powerful and I also feel I know how to use that power in a good way. I feel as if something amazing is about to happen and the aniticipation and uncertainty just make me feel even better.
The world isn't ready for me. And I think that is the perfect time for me to spring upon it.