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Saturday, March 23rd, 2002

Time Event
1:48p
Reply to my wife, violet_rain's post

I, personally, think you overreacted to the whole thing. You read what I had written and immediately took it personally when all I was trying to do was get some feelings into words. A writing exercise. The last thing I want to do when I feel like shit is to write the feelings down, but that is the time I need to do it. When I start writing music I need a large pool of ideas. Which ideas do you think would make a better song?

"I woke up, took a shower. On my way to work I had to stop and get gas. I couldn't pay for the gas with cash because I had no cash. So I used my credit card."

"My insides are screaming for a change but my environment is holding me prisoner. Large forces are against me and the only person I can turn to for support is myself. A self that I have little confidence in."

I vote for the second one. Art and music that focuses on flaws in the human condition are so powerful and moving. Why do you think a bands' music starts to suck after they become successful? My theory is when a band becomes successful, things in their lives suddenly start falling into place. Money, security, sex are all suddenly available filling the void that, ironically, was the catalyst for their success in the first place. So now they have nothing engaging to write about; no powerful emotions to express. Yet they have 2-3 more albums to do to complete their contract. See what I'm getting at?

People don't want to listen to lyrics or read books or watch movies about shallow, everyday, politically correct stuff. People want to read books about triumph over adversity. People want to listen to lyrics about strong emotions and conflicts.

You mentioned Kurt Cobain. I bet $1,000 that it was hell being his wife. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that there were few people that felt comfortable around him. There was his physical affliction. His addiction. And, judging by his dark, grotesque lyrics, he was suffering with some mental/behavioral problems. He was trapped by his pain. But he told us all about it and we loved him for it.

I feel like my dispair and trapped feelings are never going to go away. But I can write about them and, maybe, use the words to do something amazing someday. There's no reason to suspect that I might, someday, think it's a good idea ventilate the back of my head with a shotgun. I'm a little more grounded and realistic. Maybe if I had chronic pain and a herion addiction I would fit the profile better.

There's also no reason to suspect that I'm going to leave or kick you out or otherwise somehow sever our relationship. I understand that it must be confusing fall asleep with a warm, fuzzy feeling of love and security and wake up to realize that the person responsible has been up all night writing about being pissed off at God and everybody. Welcome to life with an artist :) In a way, I'm glad you reacted the way you did. It suprised me how much my words affected you. It means I was doing something right. I'm deeply sorry that I upset you. I would have tried to explain ahead of time. I would have tried to prepare you. But I have a difficult time communicating with you on that level. First of all, I don't communicate well when speaking. Second, every time something like this is brought up, you put up a wall of defense because you think I'm attacking you.

You need to focus more on how you feel and less on what's said. If you feel comfortable, happy, secure, loved then you are. I spend a great deal of effort to make sure you feel important and loved. If you're worried about how I feel, I could write you an "owner's manual" of all the things you could do to fulfil my every desire. But you already do most of them. And the places you fall short, you'll always fall short because of the person you are. I can accept this without blaming you. It's the same both ways. You've confided in me some of the things I could do for you that would make you happy and I either can't or won't do them because of the person I am. You seem to have accepted it and, together, we move forward in time.

Nobody ever lives up to every ideal. There are no two people that are perfect for each other. There are no perfect fits. But I truly believe that our relationship comes as close to ideal as it gets. We have some problems with communications and such but I think we're better together than we are apart.

I used to keep a secret journal under a different username. I used this account to write about things that I thought would upset you or other loved ones. It felt awful to hide. After some deep thought I came to the conclusion that I was confident enough in our relationship to risk letting you and others deep inside my head. It's not always a comfortable, pretty place in there. But it doesn't change who I am. The only thing that is different is you now have the option of being a spectator. If it's more comfortable for you to not read my journal it won't hurt my feelings. But the option is there.

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