March 15th, 2003


(no subject)

I got into a shouting match with my boss today. I went a little overboard. I should've been fired. I literally screamed into the phone that he was asinine and a fucking idiot (which I believe to be true). I got written up. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm glad I said alot of things that needed to be said. I'm glad I said things that others were also feeling but are too chickenshit to say. I just wish I could have done it more ... politically.

I hate my job. I wish there was a way for me to be happy in my occupation without affecting my salary. I just wish my boss's boss would go away. I like all of the people I work with. The job isn't that bad. It's just the management that is unbearable.

I've been feeling suicidal again. I'll never really do it but sometimes, I just think it would be so easy. It would be a quick and easy way to end the pain and frustration. But I mustn't think such thoughts. I have to quit being such a baby and suck it up. Because I'm a man. Because men aren't allowed to have vulnerable feelings. Because men aren't supposed to admit that they feel trapped, helpless, frustrated, and alone. What good would it do?

Nothing is going to release me from the responsibility of living with the decisions I've made. The rest of my life is dictated by decisions I made before I was old enough to legally drink. And I can't even use the excuse that I wasn't warned. I was. Why are kids wired to ignore advice and wisdom? What purpose does it serve?