During my nap I had some fucking wild dreams. I was only asleep for 1 1/2 hours but I had about 3 days worth of dreams. I wish I could have at least one gnarly dream per night. Actually, it might be unhealthy. After I wake up from dreaming, I wish it would never end. I wish I could stay in the dream forever and not have to deal with this powerless, routine, lifeless reality. It scares me that my dreams can be so vibrant and exciting but reality be so bleak and sad.
Sometimes I wish I had an eject button or a secret escape hatch.
I'm so afraid of the unknown but the unknown is looking more attractive every day.
I have to see my shrink this morning. I'm going to tell him that I'm not going to see him anymore. The insurance company is making me pay for the sessions I've already been to because I didn't get the proper approval prior to seeing him. Fucking insurance companies! I don't think seeing him is helping me anyway. I always feel like the sessions are too short and he focuses on the wrong things. Maybe I'll try a different psychologist. Maybe I'll try drugs. Is there a drug that helps one not to care? If I could stop caring and worrying about myself, I'd be able to concentrate on caring about other people. Or maybe not.
If only I hadn't had kids...
Having kids was one of the stupidest things I've ever done. I never stopped to think about all of the responsibility and hardship they would require. I see people, every day, going on vacations, having fun, living life, meeting people, spending time with their friends and lovers, wasting time. My needs and dreams are on hold; probably permanently. I can't make a career-change without hurting the three people I love most in the world.
I got written up at work yesterday because I failed to alert my boss to an important issue. It just didn't occur to me to do so. I wanted to scream "I CAN'T FORCE MYSELF TO CARE! I HAVE NO REASON TO CARE! I NEVER GET THE GUIDANCE AND ENCOURAGEMENT THAT I NEED! I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS ABOUT CELLULAR CUSTOMERS OR THEIR BILLS. WHY SHOULD I? I would have lost my job right there and I don't have a backup plan. Having children requires that I have a backup plan and I can't come up with one because any plan I can come up with would require more work, pain, and discomfort.
I am a pathetic man. Ashamed of my own thoughts. Paralyzed by fear.