You are so not alone in this. I think in the last part you got to what is really bugging/itching at you, the lack of (perceived? real?) nurturance. What you didn't get as a kid is what is biting you in the ass now, because your coping skills that got you this far (the ones from childhood) are now preventing you from getting what you need. Stress now makes the prior dependance look so good. It was comfortable, and warm, and is tainted with nostalgia. Being "adult" in this culture can be scary. However, maybe you are just more comfy with somebody else driving the bus in your relationships, don't want to be the one in control? That's ok, but needs to be communicated.
Everyone else is just faking it too, to an extent. Do things more that give you joy. Maybe the old things don't give you joy anymore. Find new ones. Or consider that they now have meds for depression/stress. Good meds. Self medicating with drugs/alcohol can stress your body lots more. A mom
Thanks for the reply. I didn't really get to finish the letter because it was late and I had to get up for work today :) I intended, and maybe still do, to send it to the people in my life that I've been taking for granted. I've recently taken inventory of who has touched me in profound ways; people who I can count on for some kind of comfort. The list includes:
- Gary for limitless generosity, always helping me look at things from different angles, saying nice things about the way I look. For having a knack for generating exitement in me. Also for introducing me to Requiem for a Dream (sidenote: if you haven't seen this movie I can't urge you to do so enough. After seeing it, I couldn't stop thinking about it for days. I have lost alot of interest in movies since seeing Requiem for a Dream because it just makes everything else look amateurish and commercial. I consider my search for the ultimate movie to be over.) Gary is a link to my past which I would love to forget but is necessary that I remember. I would do anything for this guy.
- Rakhel for being there at precisely the right time. For making me feel instantly at ease during a very turbulent time in my life. For her sense of humor and intelligence. I barely know her and she probably has no idea that she touched me so deeply. Her short involvement has improved my life in more ways than I can count. I have since met her mother and brother and have spoken briefly to her sister. Her family contains some of the most beautiful people I have ever met.
- Ronnie for being a good neighbor. For inviting me to "drop by any time". Ronnie seems willing to share everything without expecting anything in return. He is exactly the kind of person you can wake up in the middle of the night to talk about things that are bothering you. I am honored and lucky to have moved next-door to such a great person.
- Don for being a nonjudgemental listener. Don has a way of verbalizing what I'm feeling even when I can't. I've been able to talk to him about some very private feelings and never feared that he would break confidentiality. Don and I are very much alike in personality.
(list is inconclusive. I must wrap up because I need to get home.)
Anyway, after traversing my inventory I realized that almost all of these people are either unemployed or are unhappy with their current employment. I was(am) going to get all of these people together and just talk about business in general, work, etc. Then give an Amway presentation.....just kidding. I was just entertaining an idea that maybe I would be happier working among friends in a business environment that I had some influence over and that I would invite being influenced by. Working among people that I have no fear of talking to, or boucing ideas off.
Of course this idea is flawed in many ways. But I'm not going to give up on it entirely just yet.
You do bring up an important point, Anonymous replier(replyer?). I am mentally unhealthy. I have been clinically diagnosed as being so. I come from a long line of alcoholic, mentally unstable people. I have no problem admitting that my brain isn't quite right. And I renounce any stigma related to my admitting so. I am not responsible for causing my mental illness?...unhealth? But, as you imply, I am responsible for fixing it. I have been avoiding this responsibility for various reasons. Short bursts of motiviation and happiness surrounding being a co-leader of a family(dear god, what have I done:). Fear that I will fall prey to irresponsible doctors with itchy Rx fingers willing to overmedicate instead of doing the hard work with me.
I have tried increasing my exercise, taking better care of my health, taking time to do things I enjoy. But little of it makes me feel better for very long. My incessant feelings of lonliness and helplessness keep getting in the way of progress in every other arena. I guess it's time I went to my doctor for help before the stakes get too high.
Thank you, Anonymous repl[iy]er for putting into words exactly what I needed to hear. I am calling the doc in the morning.