It's been awhile since I ranted about this and I need to get it out. I thought I had surrendered to my fate. But every few days I am reminded that I have sold my soul. I am a sellout. The main problem is that I can't decide whether that's a good thing or not.
I've traded my physical and mental health. I've traded my happiness and longevity. What have I gotten in return? A nice house, a nice car, a dog, a drum set. Basically everything I've ever wanted. Now that the transaction is complete I wonder if I got a good deal. My gut tells me "no".
I keep telling myself that I'll start eating healthier when I have the time. I'll exercise more when I have a more stable schedule. I'll quit using nicotine when my stress level is lower. But I am unable to find a way to free up some time or stablize my schedule or lower my stress without impacting everything else. There are simply no other jobs out there that pay what I make. My anxiety stems from this bitter soil.
If I keep doing what I'm doing I'm going to keep getting fatter. My cough is going to keep getting worse. I'm going to slowly deteriorate into a monster that nobody wants to be around.
My new dream-job would be something that has a set, static, and fair schedule. Say, 9-5 M-F. Why is this so important? I am very routine-centric. I accomplish more when I can maintain a routine. Get up at the same time. Eat at the same time. Exercise at the same time. Work at the same time.
While I'm dreaming I might as well put in a distance requirement. This job can be no further than a 15 minute drive from my house. This will minimize the time I waste transporting. With a job that close, I could also ride my bike more.
(to be continued)